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To sum up the character portion succinctly, I could talk about characters forever, the main objective is to create a cast of characters that are likable, realistic, identifiable, interesting, and dynamic. This is especially important in games with a Silent Protagonist, because the main character lacks a certain identity, however filled in by the player it may be. If you have characters that are awesome, it’s very, very hard to fuck up the game from this point on. Still, its possible, for there are other important ingredients that make up an RPG.

3. The Combat System- The combat system is the action part of the game, it passes the time between story dialogue, FMV’s and general exploration of the world. There are quite a few types of combat systems out there, turn based, open battle, linear motion, hack and slash, and combinations of those, and others i have not mentioned due to potential length problems. The two main differences between most RPG’s will be if they are

Open battle- Characters will move about dungeons and towns freely and randomly encounter enemies as if they are a natural part of the environment, there is no “Battle Animation” where the screen changes and the graphics are different, and enemies appear. Games include: Mario, Zelda, Final Fantasy 12, Kingdom Hearts, ETC.

Closed Battle- Characters will randomly encounter enemies based on a factor of time and movement, or even by running into a representation of a Monster/Enemy. This prompts a shift in the game where you are transported from the main overworld and into a Battle Screen. Games Include: Earthbound, Grandia, Most Final Fantasies, ETC.

But there are other nuances that can make or break these systems. At face value, open battle seems much more exciting, it allows for a constant gameflow, and there is a more natural feel to it. Also, closed battle has repetitive characteristics such as music themes, experience screens, and unchanging character movement. But, upon deeper inspection, game developers can and have found ways to make closed battle sometimes even more exciting.

In my mind, closed battle makes more sense in games where you control your entire party, this is because the human brain can’t move as quickly as a computer, so closed battle, especially when playing Wait instead of Active, allows the player to make decisions while the computer has already made decisions, but they are held from execution until the player is finished. Think of yourself not as a general leading 3 or 4 men into battle, but as the brain of each character, and you tell each of them what to do, and who to fight. This is a bit overwhelming and can take time, so if there are multiple characters being controlled, it should either be closed battle and turn based, or a multiplayer RPG like Zelda Four Swords, or the Tales series.

Games like Kingdom Hearts work with open battle because you’re only concerned about controlling Sora, and the hack-and-slash elements make this even more appealing, along with the A.I. being very efficient at controlling your other two party members. It makes for a very exciting, more action-based battle, instead of a more strategic one.  This is not to say that these games aren’t strategic though, if they have depth, they can be. Depth is so important in RPG’s because as you get deeper into the story, there should be deeper aspects of the general gameplay as well. You should be rewarded with cooler abilities or actions as you face stronger enemies.

Examples of exceptionally acclaimed battle systems:

*****spoiler alerts*****

Closed Battle- Tales of Symphonia- I could have picked any tales game, but this is the first one I played. The closed battle system allows you to control one character at a time, it is called the Linear Motion Battle System. It is real-time, not turn-based. It also allows other players to plug-in and control other party members. Also, voice acting accompanies every attack.  This is the first RPG I’ve been able to play with a friend, and it is F.U.N. Best example of non-boring closed battle i can remember. Video example:

Grandia- Closed battle AND turn-based, you would expect this game to be a little boring like most of its kind, but it delivers in other ways. The characters had decent voice acting, with the game being on Dreamcast in 2000, and the attacks were very well designed, instead of running from one side to another, the characters had a free range of movement within a large circle. Each attack would be a combo instead of a single hit, and magic and skills had different Areas of Effect, putting placement strategy into the mix. There are also a feature where could cancel enemy attacks, as well as be canceled yourself. Spells had line damage, circle damage, and All enemy damage. The visual aspects of the magical attacks were very beautifully incorporated into the regular graphics. Truly a revolutionary battle system, here’s a video of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugu-qjRtvTU&feature=related

Open Battle- Kingdom Hearts- To be able to run around and fight in real-time and cast spells, use items, and simply hack-and-slash was pretty revolutionary. It was easy to learn, hard to master, but always exciting. Different forms, including limit breaks and summons were incorporated, creating a truly unique battle system. The game included different reactionary commands that were specific to certain battles and added an intangible flavor. Awesome fucking game.

Zelda and Mario are easy examples of open battle RPG’s, and don’t require much explanation. If you need to see a video of a Mario game, please stop reading my blog and go away.

My point here is that Battle Systems are very, very important. Think of an RPG as a car, and the combat system is the engine. The plot is the destination that you’re going to. The music is the music. The graphics are the scenery. None of it matters if you can’t move through smoothly and excitedly. The engine is an integral part. A shitty engine will still work, but won’t be as stylish or enjoyable. Good features to add to Battle Systems include statistic reports, difficulty levels, techniques, combo moves, limit breaks, joint attacks, and I’d like for there to be multiple music tracks. I mean, come on. But that’s for the music section. Another part ending here, I don’t want to ramble on and on. I could use an editor.


RPG is a pretty annoying term. Most games involve an aspect of role-playing. Colloquially in my “circles” (i loathe myself) an RPG is typically a game where a story is told through encounters with characters that have deep, meaningful interactions with each other and the environment. These games typically involve a Leveling system of some sort, a Combat system, as well as extensive dialogue that is told through text and possibly voice-acting. They are basically playable novels that are generally more focused on the story than the gameplay in general, meaning if you are playing the game, there is usually a reason other than to get kills, like a shooter, or solve puzzles, like Portal.

So when i say RPG i’m obviously talking about games like Final Fantasy, The Mother series, Chrono Trigger, so on and so forth.

Now that we’ve got that straight, lets get down to what i consider makes a good great RPG

1. The Story- This is obviously the most important part of a STORY based game. What is the point of a book with cursive pretty print if the words describe a shit taken by an alcoholic? But enough about Lindsay Lohan’s autobiography.

RPG stories are so important i almost feel stupid even writing about it, but it seems lost on certain people who make them SHIT. I’m talking to you Yasumi Matsuno, Jun Akiyama, and Daisuke Watanabe(sometimes). The story is usually comprised of identifiable elements such as Religion, Politics, Business, Economy, Environment, War, and other obvious novel-type situational elements. These stories often evoke already existing themes from old literature, and combine them with the vision of the writers involved with the game’s creation. This provides an often believable and interesting mix of fantasy and real world situations which can equal pure awesomeness. It keeps the player interested, even if the battle systems can get tedious or repetitive. I’m talking to you every RPG ever. These stories are obviously nothing without the characters that play within them, which are just as important, if not moreso.

2. The Characters- Nothing spells doom for an RPG quite like a shitty cast of characters. That being said, its such an easy task that it’s almost impossible to not have at least one likable character, even if the game is absolute shit, ACHOO FF12 ACHOO Fran. ACHOO. Characters can undergo numerous conflicts, and even permanent death within the RPG world.

I’m going to divide this into a few categories.

2-1- The Main Character(s)- Often called the Protagonist, the main character or characters are who lead us through the game. It is them we are supposed to chiefly identify with, and we see their changes and growth and learn about who they are. They are the driving force of the story itself. I can not stress the importance of a good main character enough. You are usually stuck with this character for the entirety of the game, so they’d better be interesting and  please fucking GOD don’t let them have an annoying voice.

The main character can be male or female, please just let them be interesting. They are often charismatic, headstrong, stubborn, intelligent, resourceful, and generally likable in at least one way. They don’t have to be particularly cheerful, or particularly pessimistic, just energetic in some way, shape, or form. There’s a reason why they are the spotlight, they are natural leaders. For all intents and purposes let us assume the main character is Male, because they almost always are, and let us assume the the direct supporting character is Female. There is usually a relationship there, most often romantic in nature. It’s important that this comes across as natural and not forced. There should be a conflict that these characters undergo in order to test and reveal their personalities and identities.  Main characters also include villians, and the villians should have a very contrasting goal from the heroes. They should be developed just as powerfully as the main characters in order to understand the conflict.

2-2-Secondary Characters- These characters layout the different environments of the game, they represent the other types of people that will interact with and ultimately change the main character. They can help provide insight into the personality of the main by conflicting with them, much like our friends, family, and other loved ones reveal truths about ourselves. These characters are not as important singularly, but on the whole, they make up the entire story. They are also often killed off due to their importance being just little enough so that the game can continue without them.

2-3-Miscellaneous Characters- The truly minor characters are not as important at all, and often are made up of cliche’s and used for comic relief. They make up the towns, shops, and often casualties of war. Very little plot development is interspersed in the interaction with them, but the truly die-hard fans have favorite minor characters. They are also just as important in the long run, because if they get annoying it builds up over time and you can’t even stomach the sight of them.

Examples of Good Main Characters-

Cloud Strife- Cliche to mention FF7, i know, but Cloud is seriously one of the best. He undergoes a massive internal conflict throughout the entire storyline of the game, while also managing several exterior conflicts, he shows failure, growth, success, spirit, doubt, courage, and most importantly, strength. He is not infallible, and he has a really big sword. That counts for something.

Sora- Another lovely character, Sora is an everyman. Taken from his simple island home and thrust into an adventure far beyond his initial understanding, He shows the same traits that main characters should exhibit. He has bravery, failure, resourcefulness, and also remains humorous.

Solid Snake- Not involved in the type of game i’ve been talking about, but Solid Snake is easily one of the greatest video game characters of all time. He is often betrayed, faces ridiculous odds, again shows weakness, strength, mercy, ruthlessness, passion, growth, and various forms of redemption.  Each of these characters, while larger-than-life, is made identifiable to us through their emotions and weaknesses.

Examples of BAD video game characters

1. Vaan- Vaan is an annoying 12-year-old girl who heads up your party in Final Fantasy 12, one of the biggest pieces of shit to emerge on the playstation 2 since Miami Vice…. Yeah, you didn’t even know that was a game, did you? Neither did I. He is instantly a poor choice for a main character considering his real age, which is 17. Now that doesn’t sound too bad, the problem is, he is not portrayed as a 17 year old boy, he is portrayed like i said, as a 12 year old girl. A direct quote from the development team of FF12 states that he was made more effeminate when considering the target demographic. This is related to a growing shift in RPG’s being made to sell units instead of selling a story, or a commentary on society.

2. Lightning- Sorry to beat up on FF games, but the last two were really, really bad. Lightning is an emotionless Zombie. Her only emotions come out towards her retarded sister who seems to have some mild form of video game AIDS.  She is seemingly a Lesbian who mistakens fellow character Hope for a potential mate. She is so force-fed to the audience as a TOMBOY-go-get-em female. More interesting characters can be found on the back of a cereal box. People will argue that FF13 relies on an Ensemble cast, but that argument didn’t work for 12, and it won’t work for 13 either, mainly because all the characters suck.

3. Raiden- It’s no easy task measuring up to the great Solid Snake, that’s like playing a Zelda game where you aren’t Link, but Raiden still remains one of the worst main characters i’ve ever played as. He is so whiny it’s almost unbearable. His history is shoehorned into the storyline so hard i’m surprised it didn’t all fall apart, no i’m not, Hideo i worship you. Anyway, Raiden, or Jack, has few redeeming qualities, and only gets by on the strength of much more interesting characters such as Snake, Otacon, Olga, and even Emma Emmerich.

 

that’s it for part 1, this is all far too TL;DR anyway. Please leave comments and let me know what you think so far. I’m thinking about making a video review of a game, probably one mentioned or alluded to in this list. Please leave comments regarding interest in that.


Today, i’m going to talk about basic tips i’ve found to be invaluable when playing almost any first person shooter. (excluding F.E.A.R. because the only thing to do when playing that game is to return it and buy Katamari instead)  Please keep in mind these are BASIC tips, and not meant to make everyone amazing at FPS’s. In fact, in my mind, any veteran FPS player who sees this post will probably know most, if not all of the tips i’ve mentioned. They’ll either agree or call me a newb. That’s fine, I play Starcraft now so if i lose, i know its because I made a mistake and not because the opponent “ate my bullets”

I know i’m QQing.

Katamari rules.

Anyway, I’m not claiming to be an expert on shooters, i’m not so great at Halo (i mean i’m not so great with the battle rifle, but that’s the same sentence in long form, pre-Halo Reach) I’m moderately good at Call of Duty, and i haven’t played too many others. What i’m claiming to know is tips and methods that should get you a positive K/D, unless you just don’t understand the physics of the game, which some people don’t, and there are plenty of other types of games you can play. Or you can just camp.

1. Always Be Moving: This is a tip i learned from my friend Matt’s older brother, a Halo 1 guru who ruined you with grenades if you had a rocket launcher and an overshield. I kind of already knew it, but never really thought about it. You need to keep moving. Its harder to hit a moving target, changing your positing gives you angles on people, and it also makes you less vulnerable to explosives. I’m not saying you stop and wait at all, i’m just saying avoid camping, and lingering. I personally think camping is the worst thing you can do, it makes you the most saught after target on the map. Lingering is usually camping out of fear, or because you believe you have a good foothold and will die if you move out. Moving keeps the enemy on the lookout, and it forces them to do the second tip.

2. Stay Frosty: Always pay attention to your surroundings. If you’re serious about shooters, get yourself a pair of noise canceling headphones, and leave your girlfriend. Sounds can tell you exactly where everyone is, where their firing from, and what their firing at you with, and the best place to go to get away from it and mount a counter attack. Keep a look out for anything that looks suspicious. I can’t tell you how many times i hear people i know saying “i didn’t even see that guy, wtf” when watching me play, and i know that this is because i’m paying really close attention because believe me, i have the worst fucking eyes you have ever seen. My glasses are used to help scientists locate the fucking electrons on Brett Favre’s dick.  Just retire you little cocked faggot.

3. Always Be Reloading- This is especially important in games like Halo or Left for Dead which have particularly robust enemies, such as the Shields on Master Chief, or the special infected in Left 4 Dead, who take a full clip (at least) to bring down with most of the normal weapons. If you fire even 3 or 4 bullets, if you have chance to reload (4. Go Prone) and do it. Even if you’re reloading and it gets you out of position, you can run away, or try to sneak in a melee, or even switch to your sidearm and pull out a comeback victory. I find i come out much further ahead risking a reload than trying to make “every shot count” which you should do anyway.

4. Go Prone- Crouching or going prone is an amazing way to possible put your K/D ratio up a drastic amount of points. People don’t realize how effective it is just to lay down and fire. For one thing, crouching/proning will almost always increase your accuracy per the mechanics of the game, but it can also throw your opponent off guard, causing them to fire several shots that should miss, and having to adjust their aim. Veteran players will either expect a crouch and aim accordingly, or simply back out from the fight when they realize they’ve been had. But still, a stalemate is better than a death.

5. Know Your Teammates and If You Don’t, Steer Clear: It’s always better to assume you’re playing with a bunch of assholes who suck. If you don’t know how your teammates work, go rogue, use them for positioning, and often make sacrifices for your own safety. It’s okay to warn them of danger, but there’s no purple hearts in video gaming. In my experience, allies almost always suck, and if they don’t suck, they’re steering clear of you anyway, because you suck. IF you insist on following your allies around, stop blaming them for your awful play. And if your allies keep dying, don’t follow them into death for the sake of the team, just keep your own K/D positive, and keep a cool head.

And don’t join them in the WE GOTTA KILL THE CAMPER fucking mission. You’ll die over and over and over again, for 1 kill.

Also, stop expecting so much from these random strangers, do you expect every player on the internet to make your team epic? You’re an asshole, stop reading my blog, and get back on your laggy college connection and get sniped by (probably me) a better player.

6. Abuse Game Mechanics– This isn’t a favorite of mine, but of course we all do it. Whether its knifing in COD:MW2, Grenades in Halo 1 and Reach, or the gravity Gun in Half Life, we love to spam overpowered guns/objects. Despite everyone crying out “IT’S GAY” it’s going to happen, and unless you know how to fight against it, you’ll have to use it yourself. I prefer to get good on my own terms, and through what i call “non-gay ways” but when the going gets tough i love to grab a rocket launcher just like the rest of us. If not just to have a little fun every once in a while. Grab a Needler for christ’s sake. It’s actually one of the strongest guns in the Halo Universe.

7.No Excuses, Play Like a Champion- Nobody ever seems to follow this rule, myself included. I find myself constantly screaming “YEAH, YEAH EAT MORE BULLETS YOU FUCKING CUNT” to the 12 year old guy who i swear is wearing body armor missed with every shot. Just keep a level head, and you’ll get them eventually. Take a break, go to the bathroom, jerk off, or fucking relax for once. I played myself stupid on COD and now i don’t even find it fun anymore. If the ONLY reason you got a kill death ratio that was negative was that the game “fucked you over” then you really are “that good” so you shouldn’t be sad. Stop whining you FPS savvy dick bag and grab your headset and strap in, because you’ve got a long life of double kills ahead of you and those newbs aren’t going to kill themselves. Well, unless they fall off a building.


I’m back guys, this is just as little content i had to inspire me back to the blog seat. Hopefully i can keep this shit up, thanks for staying with me, and if you didn’t, i hope your milk went bad early, and you get salmonella or whatever happens when milk goes bad.

 

To call Saw 7 “Saw 3d” is an insult to the world of 3 Dimensional movies. I remember a rib flying towards me, and towards the end, a hacksaw. (L O L, A SAW”) Looking at a word from one of the movie’s stars quotes on Wikipedia,

Flannery described the 3D aspect as being “[not] shot in 3D so that you can, per se, see blood coming directly at you. It’s in 3D for the texture and the depth, for the architecture, to get a sense that you’re in the scene but there’s no ‘we want to see blood coming at the lens’ it’s nothing like that. But I think we made a good movie.”

Do ya? You didn’t. And what kind of 3d horror movie is made to NOT have blood and viscera thrown at the camera? I’m not saying every trap needed it, but every trap would have had it, because this guy STINKS.

Flannery plays Bobby Dagen. He is put through a series of tests because he  chose to fake going through a Jigsaw trap in order to garner pity, money, and a book deal. His tests put him through pain and also put the burden on him to save some of his co workers and friends and family who knew of his deception but chose not to reveal him for the fraud he was. This follows the new formula of the last 4 Saw movies where innocent people are put in an almost no-win situation, instead of the old Jigsaw we knew and loved, who put people in situations where they were the masters of their own destiny.

If you didn’t read the SPOILER ALERT then see this one. He fails miserably, and his coworkers were certainly not innocent, but his wife was. She was burned to death at the end of the movie. Pretty fucked up if you ask me, especially since his test was impossible. And yes, Saw freaks, i know that Jigsaw isn’t doing the traps anymore so they don’t have to be escapable, but just because you can explain why it happened, doesn’t mean it sucks any less. I loved Saw for a few reasons. I tend to love gore when presented in a certain style. I loved jigsaw’s message. I NEVER knew where the plot was going, it was always confusing, and not in an “M Night ShymaDOUCHE” twist ending way. (Yeah, some of the endings were twist-like, but it wasn’t spoon fed to you like that cunt’s movies. The Village might as well have ended with the phrase “it was all a dream…”) And the traps were always interesting, of course.

But the biggest pro was the redemption seen in the characters. With Amanda, his first accomplice, we had growth in her, but there was also still conflict. Dr. Gordon, he understood the message too, as well as a few other seldom seen Jigsaw survivors. But now the movies have just become a bloodbath. Since the 3rd one, the body count has been higher and more confusing than Magic Johnson’s T-cell count. How  does he DO it?

 

Bobby fails every single test he goes through, resulting in the death of his staff, best friend, and innocent wife. Meanwhile, more backstory is explained about Hoffman, Jigsaw’s apprentice, and his struggle with dealing with Jigsaw’s wife Jill Tuck. He eventually kills her with that stupid fucking reverse bear trap. Yeah, we get it, its such a unique trap design. Ugh. Later though, after Dr. Gordon’s story was explained, Hoffman is left in the room where the first movie took place, to die, by the good Doctor himself. It was so fucking obvious that this was going to happen though, because Dr. Gordon was revealed as this “creepy in the dark guy” who you only see once, and is obviously going to come back later.

 

I’m rambling now so i’m trying to wrap it up, but this movie was so fucking bad it’s hard to fit it all in. The most vexing part of this movie was how fucking stupid the police are made to be. This is the 7th Saw movie. Now, taking into account that the events of 3 and 4 run parallel, we can call it 6 movies, if you must. So 6 times the police have stumbled upon something owned or operated by Jigsaw, or one of his apprentices/accomplices. SIX FUCKING TIMES. Lets count how those times went.

 

Saw 1– Detective Tapp and his partner Sing chase Jigsaw through a dark alley where the partner is demolished by a shotgun trip-wire trap.

Saw 2– A Swat Team enters Jigsaw’s other workshop where 3 of them are ELECTROCUTED after one of them has his legs broken.

Saw 3/4– No police interactions occur in Saw 3, but Saw 4 takes place during this movie, and at the end, Agent Peter Strahm investigates alone (smart) and kills Jeff Denlon, “hero” of saw 3, and then is trapped in that room, and later put into a Jigsaw trap in saw 5.  Also, another agent, Perez, closely examines a Jigsaw puppet, stupidly, after it warns her “your next move is critical” and it explodes, spewing SHRAPNEL INTO HER FUCKING FACE. She is presumed dead. OH I FORGOT also, a police woman is murdered with a metal rod when she disturbs part of the crime scene.

Saw 5– As i said, Strahm, pursuing NOTHING alone, gets trapped in a Jigsaw Trap, and has to perform a tracheotomy on himself to escape. This leads to Strahm’s eventual death anyway, because he remains obsessed with finding out about Hoffman, by himself with no help, and no intelligence.

Saw 6–  Gotta give them a break on this one too, not much police interaction, but it is notable that Hoffman murders three officers by himself. At one point he’s holding one of them, while the other proceeds to shoot the person he’s holding, i guess hoping the bullets would go through, instead of, you know AIMing and shooting Hoffman in the head. Heads are important.

Now, we get to the meat of this particular part of my review.

Saw 7– it’s the 6TH time police have come in to deal with Jigsaw, his apprentices, or just one of his hideouts. How do they do so? Do they send in the bomb squad? Do they move slowly? Do they inspect the room as carefully as possible with Riot Shields, and Fire Jackets? No. Detective Gibson (the worst actor i’ve ever seen) and two officers walk RIGHT up to a doll dressed up as Jigsaw, and violently disturb it, when it most likely was a bomb. It wasn’t a bomb, but fear not, because an automated machine gun popped up and killed all three of them. Also, earlier there were multiple explosions in a Junkyard crime scene where several people had been murdered by Jigsaw. No big deal.

It’s completely unbelievable to me that anyone would be this stupid, especially after reading the case files for all the previous Jigsaw cases. I don’t blame the characters, i blame the shitty writing this series turned to after Saw 2.

The long awaited “conclusion” (I use this term loosely seeing as this movie has already made back almost 4 times it’s budget.) was an unbearable piece of dogshit that i can’t believe i spent money on. Finding out “what happened” to Dr. Gordon, even though one could have easily inferred that he passed his test, and therefore was most likely alive, was not worth the money i paid for 3D dogshit.  Don’t see this movie. Nobody lives, EVERYBODY dies. Nobody experiences any sort of redemption. Only Bobby survives, but every single person in his life is dead, so he’ll just go insane and die. What should have happened, is instead of making Hoffman, a psycho, his apprentice, Dr. Gordon should have been the main… I say protagonist, in the subsequent movies, and he could have just had Hoffman as an accomplice.

 

But i don’t write movies folks, i just write this shitty blog.

Everyone


Hey everyone, i’m taking a break, i’ve got some parties this weekend, and a lot of work, and i don’t think i’m going to be able to blog much, if at all. Stay tuned though, don’t erase me from your lives, i promise to deliver more as soon as i can, i’m just dealing with some shit. Love you all, thanks for understanding, and if you don’t i hope you get AIDS of the mouth.

Thanksgiving


I was just talking about Thanksgiving with my roommate, and its really a ridiculously feeling holiday. Think about it, you wake up at about 9am (in my house), which is similar to most holidays, but this is usually in order to prepare, or drive to a prepared dinner. Dinner is then eaten at 1pm. Why in goooooood’s naaaaaaaame do we eat dinner at 1 pm!? I’ll tell you why. The family members who need to drive home need the time in front of them to take a turkey nap so they don’t plow into a telephone pole.

After you eat turkey, mashed potatoes, yams, etc, you feel like you’ve been drugged. On the way home at like 9 or 10 at night i always feel like i’ve date raped. It doesn’t help that i’m made of difficulty, so i HATE thanksgiving food. I eat turkey smothered in ketchup and my Mom’s mashed potatoes. Only hers.

But yeah, after the drugging you need to pass out for a few hours. Most people do just that, while watching the fuckin’ Lions play football, which is like watching an actual lion play football. How does Detroit just own that spot? I know Dallas plays too, but they are “America’s Team” faggots. (I need to point out that it took me so long to get that strikethrough to fucking work, that i got so enraged i almost threw my computer out the fucking window. I’ve never been so angry at an inanimate object.)

So you take your nap, and then you chill with your family and then you go the fuck home. The whole ordeal is a hazy mess of food, family, and sleep. It’s barely even a day. I’m convinced that Thanksgiving is a 4 hour long day, which is why it has to be the same Thursday each year.

I’m disregarding the fact that it’s hilarious that we turned a holiday celebrating how awesome the Native Americans were into a “family celebration”. I’m certain Thanksgiving was invented to be the one day nobody could go out to dinner to make “reservations”

 

Get it?

 

I stink.


 

“Okay, so it’s day eighteen of the breast cancer awareness status games. Thanks to all of you that have been playing so far! Copy and paste this email and send it to all the ladies on your friends list in their email box.( NO MEN!) This time we are going to post your shoe size followed by the word “inches” and a sad face 😦 This will really have all of the men asking questions! Remember the whole bra thing made the national news! Let’s do it again. Remember to post it on your status”

 

What kind of fucking idiot made this shit up? I can tell you, a 30+ fat wife, of a man who made a lot of mistakes in his life, raised catholic, watches sex and the city and thinks it makes her edgy, has never deep throated a cock, and is so bored with her life that she decided one day to try to be relevant on Facebook. Why don’t you take up crochet or exercise?

Don’t get me wrong, i hate breast cancer as much as the next person that wastes time hating diseases, but can we think of a better way to spread awareness? This is spreading confusion, which is pretty much the opposite of awareness. Now, a simple google search revealed to me exactly what this breast cancer thingy was, but i mean I’m like any other guy, if i don’t have a second to think and i read something about inches and a smiley face, of course I’m going to think it’s about what we all think it’s about—

Penises. (I was going to throw something obscure out, but it wouldn’t have worked the way i thought it would, and i think it would have gotten ZERO laughs.)

Luckily, I have a brain and i’m an internet troll, so i figured it out immediately that it was an inane attempt by really annoying women to alienate men and unify during breast cancer awareness month.

This is cute in a “i’d never hit a woman, but if nobody ever found out…” kinda way, but it stops being cute at all when you realize a very important piece of information.

 

Men can get breast cancer too.

 

I should end the blog post right now, that’s a good enough point to knock the entire argument on the ground, but lets kick it for a  while instead.

 

Lets look at the few status updates i’ve seen so far, and please comment more of them if you find them.

1. “I like it ______”- This little gem is supposed to be a sentence describing where a woman keeps her purse, so they say, for example, “i like it on my desk” or “i like it next to my husbands soul”. It confused every guy who had no idea how to use copy/paste and a google search.

2. The bra color one-, here is an Email i found

“Write the color of your bra in your status. Just the color, nothing else. And send this on to ONLY women no men. It will be neat to see if this will spread the wings of cancer awareness. It will be fun to see how long it takes before the men wonder why the women have a color in their status…..LOL!”

I don’t think i need to add anything here.

But i will. What kind of fucking idiot thinks that posting a status with the color of your bra in it would spread breast cancer awareness? I think it would spread… color awareness? That’s like saying posting the amount of money in your wallet would spread awareness of the declining condition of Justin Bieber’s self esteem.

3. The Penis One-The newest one, the one that spurred me into posting this, is definitely not as bad as the Color one, because at least this one has an intriguing appearance. It definitely spurns more interest than posting a fucking color. But it doesn’t fail to be just as stupid considering my earlier point that men also get breast cancer, so why alienate yourselves from them? Sure, it appears an awful lot more in women, but my real point here is that there’s no need to create this rift.

Apparently these things have been around for a while, and these feminists aren’t even clever enough to use something like tampons or bad driving skills,  staples of female culture, to unite against the “enemy”. Fucking trash. If you want to advance your gender, rise above this kind of petty shit and realize the men don’t give a fuck about your stupid Facebook statuses.

 

Okay, we totally do, but only if we’re trying to fuck you.

 

Okay, or if we’re trying to blog.